School has been a bitch. I'm not sure I can handle it. I have been twitching like crazy in classes and the only thing that helps is digging the metal part of my pencil into my arm and scratching until it leaves red marks. It only works for a couple seconds though. I crossed a few lines in self harm last night... I cut deeper than I ever have before, burned myself for the first time (twice), and carved a word into my leg. I know this is probably disturbing for those of you reading but I needed to get it out. I just couldn't tell my best friend... Ik she'll understand but its just so hard. I couldn't get it out in the hallway at school and she seemed to be in an okish mood, I didn't want to ruin it.
I go back to school on Tuesday (only one more free day) :(. I'm in a ton of honors and AP classes but for some reason I've decided to put a lot of focus on my art this year. Not just drawing and painting but other art forms as well such as song writing, writing in general, bassoon playing, learning to play guitar, bass, or both, and both clean and unclean vocals (singing and screaming). That'll be stressful because I really don't want to get anything lower than a B in my classes. Tomorrow will be stressful in itself. I have to finish writing and typing my summer reading essay, annotate a book, dye my hair, fix my eyebrows, make sure I have all the music I want on my ipod, shower, hopefully whiten my teeth some, make some coffee I can microwave in the morning to save time, and get to sleep at a reasonable hour. STRESSFUL!
1. My mom knows I've cut before. She's totally ignorant about the whole concept of it though. I'm not ready to teach her though. I can't even teach myself yet. 2. My cousin (who is like a brother to me) is in some legal trouble. I can't really post details because of legal shit but hope the incident isn't as bad as it sounds and I hope he doesn't get charged.
Its been forever since I've posted. I've either been lazy or busy... This is just gonna be a list of things that have happened in the last couple weeks. Or are going to happen. 1. My mom gave me permission to go to see Bullet For My Valentine and Black Veil Brides when they come to my city. I just need to get enough money to buy a ticket... 2. I finished driving school and my certificate saying so came in the mail so I can take my test to get my license as soon as I schedule it. 3. I'm taking my horse to the fairgrounds on Monday for fair. We're hopefully showing... Her leg just has get stronger. 4. (This sort of goes along with 3) My horse's back leg is swollen (again). This always seems to happen before fair. Grrr. She's on pony pain killers and physical therapy. 5. My back started hurting again after a trip to an amusement park with my best friend. :P At least I had fun when I was there. 6. I went to another amusement park a week after I went with my friend with my youth group... It was fun, I rode the newest rollercoaster there a couple times. More back aggravation though. 7. I still have back pain but I'm so used to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore. 8. This past Monday I was prescribed 2 antidepressants. One is to be used to sleep at night. So far it seems to be working. I'm supposed to wait 3 days before starting the other one to determine what side effect (if I get them) are from which medication. Fun times. Not. 9. This guy I think is really nice and I might like if I got to know him better has been messaging me on facebook. I'm not going to read too much into it because if nothing comes out of it and I invested time and energy into something imaginary then I'll get more depressed. 10. I had to miss warped tour because of driving school and I'm pretty sure I cried. 11. My tickets for my friend and I to go to the Fall Out Boy concert in September came in the mail. I got excited and danced. 12. I wrote a really depressing but good song. 13. My friend and I named our future band. Now all I need is to learn how to scream unclean vocals and get a bass... 14. I'm listening to Memphis May Fire right now because they rock. 15. I really want to go to the Bryan Stars tour because Bryan is awesome and Ghost Town is going to be on it but its on my mom's birthday so that isn't going to happen. :(
I think that's all for now. I hope you have a lovely day. I'm going to go have cereal for lunch at 2pm.
I was seriously going so crazy earlier that my mom asked me if I was doing drugs. I am not but I was so excited (I'm still excited) that I probably had one of my worst fangirling episodes ever. Allow me to explain. #1 - My friend's and my Fall Out Boy concert tickets came in the mail yesterday (I wasn't home so my mom gave them to me today) so that induced a small amount of fangirling, facebook posts and happy tweets. #2 - Earlier today I replied to a tweet by a kick ass band's (Crown The Empire) guitar player... He replied to my tweet. then I replied to his reply and he replied to that. I swear I must have died. I started running around and flailing my arms around after staring at the computer screen in disbelief. I actually may have squeaked. In all seriousness though it meant a lot that he replied to my tweet because most bands don't take the time to do that. It made me feel recognized, not ignored, not useless, appreciated. Those are feelings I don't get to experience very often because of my depression. Overcoming my depression even though it was only for a moment is truly a step in the right direction for me.
I never thought that I'd ever get to see Fall Out Boy live. Just weeks they became my favorite band way back in like 7th or 8th grade they broke up. I was so sad. I mean who doesn't want to see their favorite band live? I moved on from FOB to Shinedown and then Black Veil Brides being my fav band but the 4 members of FOB always had a special place in my heart. I followed their musical careers after they broke up as a band. Patrick did his own music by himself for a bit, I liked it. Pete tried to create a group called The Black Cards, I thought it was pretty bad. And Andy and Joe were in The Damned Things, I thought it was really good. None of these could ever compare to Fall Out Boy though. Finally, about 4 years after their break up (they're calling it a hiatus) they are back together. When I found out I screamed like a little girl and ran around my house like a crazy maniac. I also did some of my fangirling which is usually only reserved for BVB news. I then looked up the tour dates for the album, they weren't coming to my city. I almost cried. About a month later they released more tour dates and they're coming to my city!!!!! My friend and I just bought our tickets to see them live in September. For once in my life something great happens to me. My dream that I had (that I was sure would never come true) is actually coming true! I get to see Fall Out Boy live! I may not have the best seats but I have seats and that's good enough for me because I never in a million years thought this would happen.
So my mom and my shrink both think its a good idea for me to be on depression meds... Most of the time I'd probably agree with them but not so much right now. I recently started listening to Memphis May Fire and their music really inspired me and I ended up writing a whole song in an hour. (I titled it Burden to the Unalive) The song has quite a bit of raw emotion that comes from the feelings my depression gives me. I'm afraid if I'm on meds I'll lose those feelings and that will cause me to lose my creativity. My art comes from that same dark place inside myself. I understand that people want me to feel better and don't want me wishing myself dead but I've never been able to write happy songs or poems or create happy art. I don't want to lose a part of myself that I actually like. I don't want to become some happy go lucky robot that conforms to society and that's what I'm afraid meds will do to me...
So these are some of the tattoos I want. I want a couple more but I couldn't get pics of them because they're more personal. I want to get the BVB star on my upper arm / shoulder area on my right arm. I want the bass and treble clef heart somewhere but I haven't decided yet. The stars I want where they are seen in the pic. I think I want the "sometimes you gotta fall before you fly" on one of my legs with less birds. I want the 4 leaf clover on the outside my left ankle. This one is going to be the first tattoo I get: "Never give in" on the inside of my left wrist close to my hand. Later I want to get "Never back down" on the same spot on my right wrist. I feel the need to get the "Never give in" one first because I cut on my left wrist and I think I'd think twice about taking a razor to my skin if I had inspirational Black Veil Brides lyrics permanently there. Some other tattoos I want but don't have pictures of are my horse and some more BVB lyrics. I want a pic of my horse and her name (Honey) some where on my back. I also really want these BVB lyrics on my hip: "In the end as you fade into the night who will tell the story of your life? and who will remember your last goodbye? Cause it's the end and I'm not afraid I'm not afraid to die"
And while on the topic of body modification, I really want to get my nose pierced.